No, Loki
by Sarah1281
Summary: Post-Thor Odin tries to make sense of all that has changed in the short time he was in the Odinsleep and wonders just when everything went wrong.


No, Loki

Odin Allfather they called him. He was one of the most powerful being in all the realms and whole armies quaked in their boots at the mere thought of earning his displeasure.

He still had every ounce of his considerable strength, fresh from the Odinsleep, but he had not felt so helpless since he had watched his father crumble into snow in his arms.

Loki was gone, lost to the void, and all he could do was blame himself.

He had never intended to care so much for the small blue baby he took home with him after the war. It wasn't as though he had intended to not care for him at all but how could he have known that this child of Laufey's would become as much a son of his as Thor was? Who would have ever expected it? Frigga, perhaps, but then her heart had always been so wonderfully open in a way that he had not allowed himself to emulate.

He took the baby because it was going to die and clearly Jotunheim didn't care and he couldn't just hand it off to someone else once Frigga saw it. Besides, they had no idea if one day he might resume his real coloring had some well-meaning family perfectly willing to foster an Asgardian child might not react very well to finding him to be a Jotun. He would have taken him even if that were all that it was but he couldn't deny that there was a part of him, a part that had spent too many centuries as king, that was always looking for the advantage and that was hoping that Loki could one day give him an edge over Jotunheim.

But as Loki grew it became clear that he was so thoroughly Aesir that there was little point contemplating any other possibilities. Even if he could still be used to make sure that the Frost Giants would fall in line and would never threaten the realms again, it would break Loki to know the truth. Maybe one day that would change and he could safely tell him but that day would not be anytime soon. He accepted that. In a way, the culture Loki had been raised in that would make his true parentage so devastating was his fault, after all. He could have tried harder to stop the realm from painting their erstwhile enemy as nothing but monsters that Loki had once had nightmares about.

But he should have remembered that secrets were never meant to last forever and when one lived as long as they did it only strengthened that truth. He had once heard it said by a visiting dignitary that two people could easily keep a secret if one of them were dead. Well there were three people in all the realms who knew the truth about Loki. His wife and Heimdall's loyalties were beyond question even though they were still physically capable of telling but there were other ways that things could be revealed.

Loki was never supposed to have gone to Jotunheim. _Thor _was never meant to go there and he had nothing more to fear than any other Aesir except perhaps Jotun vengeance. Their friends had never been meant to step foot there. It was part of the treaty. No Aesir would step foot in Jotunheim and the Frost Giants would stay out of Asgard. They had to have known that. Loki probably knew every line in the peace accord.

Odin did not imagine for a second that Loki would be willing to risk war just to prove his brother's unsuitability for the throne and the fact that he sent a messenger to warn Odin of what Thor was planning just made that plainer. It was obvious he intended for Thor to make the effort to invade Jotunheim and only bad luck that allowed them to succeed with their journey.

To Laufey's credit, he was willing to ignore the clear provocation and send the boys and Sif back Asgard without starting another war nobody wanted. From what he had been able to discern, Thor had almost left but hadn't been able to walk away from the clear insult he had been given and had attacked. That sort of recklessness was almost more worrying than going to the Jotunheim in the first place. A king could not allow himself to be manipulated so easily nor give in to such impulses. At least Midgard seemed to have tempered him somewhat.

Laufey was dead and it was unfortunate that it had come to that but the threat from Jotunheim seemed to die with him, especially when Odin had helpfully reminded them exactly how their king had died. Thor was probably better for these experiences and with him all of Asgard. But the true price hadn't been paid by anyone but Loki who had somehow had cause to suspect that he wasn't quite what he seemed.

Oh, Odin had known that he had seemed troubled but he was just so _furious _at Thor and wondering how he had misjudged him and there was the situation with Laufey to somehow resolve and Frigga wasn't speaking to him and he was just so tired…Loki hadn't wanted to be noticed and so he hadn't been. Once more he had slipped through the cracks. And it wasn't as though the threat of war and Thor's banishment weren't cause enough for Loki's discontent anyway. How could he have known? Maybe if he paid more attention…But it was too late now.

Loki was never content to leave well enough alone. Once he had the suspicion he went about trying to prove it and while of course returning to Jotunheim was out of the question there was always the Casket. Oh, his brilliant son to have figured out how to prove his fears!

That was when Odin had found him. As a prince, Loki had the right to be in the weapon's vault but it was unusual enough to be reported. And that was when he had his chance. He didn't think that Loki had truly believed himself to be a Frost Giant even with all his suspicions and his mind simply couldn't process it. He hadn't come to any firm conclusions one way or another and there was still time to salvage the situation.

It was the moment that Odin knew must somehow come from the moment that he had first taken Loki in. He should have been prepared. He had, over the centuries, thought of various things he might say but to his shame he could not remember a single one when faced with the reality. He could barely even remember what he said.

Loki asked for the truth and so he gave it to him. Yes, he was from Jotunheim. Laufey's son, even. Odin hadn't just kidnapped a beloved infant, however. Loki had been abandoned and he had saved his life. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to let Loki know that he hadn't been wanted but he had been trying to emphasize that Asgard _did _want him. Odin had chosen to save him and to raise him as his own and Frigga felt even more strongly about it than he did. Maybe he hadn't always understood his second son as well as his first but understanding and love did not always go hand in hand. He understood Laufey very well but there was no affection there.

But Loki only heard what he wanted to hear and perhaps Odin had explained it badly. He threw around words like 'claim to love' and 'another stolen relic.' He had tried to make it clear that whatever vague ambitions he had had long since been lain to rest but Loki was too far gone for that. He was open and emotionally honest in a way that he hadn't been in centuries and Odin knew that if he could just find the right words – if only Frigga had been there! – then he could reach him.

But the Odinsleep had been denied for too long and he slipped away even as Loki was coming undone right in front of him.

He was vaguely aware while he was dreaming. Frigga tried to make clear all that he had failed to say and Loki did seem comforted but then Laufey burst into his chamber and he was filled with fear for Frigga's safety. His heart swelled with pride as he heard Loki say that Laufey was killed by the son of Odin and he knew it wasn't too late. Loki still wanted to be a part of their family and still saw himself that way. He didn't know how Laufey had gotten in and it raised more troubling questions that needed to be answered.

But mere minutes later Thor had somehow found his way back and was accusing Loki of sending a destroyer to kill him and their friends. It didn't make sense. Loki wouldn't do that. Why would he do that? And Loki seemed completely unconcerned before announcing his intention to destroy all of Jotunheim.

Destroying Jotunheim? He wasn't sure how Loki intended to do that but he had faith that his son would find a way. Hadn't he been paying attention? Odin hadn't just wanted to avoid war with Jotunheim because he didn't think he could kill them all without suffering unacceptable losses. He was really, truly not interested in genocide which is why he hadn't committed it when he had Jotunheim so very much at his mercy all those years ago. He had burst into Laufey's own bedroom with his guards while the other king had been alone and as unarmed as a conscious Frost Giant ever was.

This was not like Loki. He _hated _violence and thought killing was an inelegant solution. What had changed? It hadn't seemed like that much time had passed since he went into the Odinsleep. Had he truly been that injured by the revelation of his Jotun nature? How badly had Odin failed his son?

He finally awoke to a frantic Frigga pointing him in the direction of their sons and arrived just in time to watch Thor destroy the Bifrost and to catch the pair of them before they fell into the abyss. Thor looked fairly calm under the circumstances but Loki looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown. He insisted that he really could have done it. He really could have destroyed Jotunheim.

Odin believed him.

That was never what he wanted for any of them.

"No, Loki."

No genocide was not the answer. No he didn't need to keep trying to prove himself. No.

But something seemed to break in Loki at those words and, ignoring Thor screaming after him, he simply let go.

And now he was dead and gone or perhaps merely falling endlessly through the void. He could not say which possibility was worse.

Frigga was right. He should have told him sooner. But how could he have? Maybe it just would have started all of this that much sooner.

Loki had made his own choices, he knew that intellectually. It was not his fault that Loki had chosen this and he had done the best that he could.

But that knowledge didn't make his heart ache any less as he gazed once more into the void.


End file.
